My journal reflects my role as a caregiver to my mother, who never imagined her children would ever have to physically care for her in intimate ways.

Mom was a nurse. When she worked, she did private duty at night so that she could be at home for us children during the daytime. She was a wife and the mother of four. Over the years she cared for older family members as they aged, even bringing them into our home and caring for them for the last years of their lives, if needed. Ironically she would often say, “If this ever happens to me, just put me in a nursing home. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.”

The issue of incontinence was never addressed with Mom until she had a stroke over 10 years ago. Before that, her personal information was exactly that – personal. Our father passed away when he was 60, now almost 25 years ago. Following Mom’s stroke and discharge from the hospital, her safety and care became the direct concern of my three brothers and myself (and the concern of our families).

My mother’s particular kind of stroke left her with what is called “left-sided neglect.” She appears quite normal to others, but her way of perceiving the world is altered. She sees mostly to the right – even when it appears she is looking straight ahead. She “misses” much of what is happening around her, especially that which is on her left side. Along with the left-sided neglect is her poor hearing. This issue is decidedly weaker on her left side, too. Oftentimes with an aging individual, there is a combination of factors that makes it impossible to deal with a solitary problem.

From the perspective of incontinence, Mom’s left-sided neglect has a negative impact on her ability to control her flow of urine. Even when she is consciously focusing on her need to pass her urine, she does not have complete control of the process. In a sense, her body “forgets to see” the left side of the opening from which urine passes, and this frequently leaves her unable to control her flow.

Medications have been prescribed to help Mom control her incontinence. I cannot over- emphasize the importance of being under the care of a qualified health care provider. My mom is under the care of an excellent urologist who is sensitive and caring. Armed with a great sense of humor, she provides Mom with compassion and understanding and provides me with renewed strength for the role I play in her care and support.